Why social skills training often fails autistic individuals

Understanding social skills training and its challenges

For many parents of autistic children, navigating social interactions can be a source of concern. It’s common to wonder if social skills training will help their child feel more comfortable in social situations. While the intention behind these programs is often positive, the reality is that many traditional social skills training programs focus on teaching autistic individuals to conform to neurotypical norms rather than fostering authentic and meaningful connections.

Social skills training often operates on the premise that autistic people need to be taught ways to fit into a neurotypical world. This approach not only fails to recognize the value of neurodivergent communication styles but can also lead to masking—where autistic individuals suppress their natural behaviors to appear more neurotypical. Research has shown that masking is linked to increased anxiety, depression, and burnout (e.g., Cage et al., 2018).

The issue with traditional social skills training

A common framework in social skills training is Social Behavior Mapping, which categorizes behaviors as either ‘expected’ or ‘unexpected’ based on how neurotypical individuals perceive them. This framework often disregards the autistic person’s own comfort, needs, and sensory experiences. A typical social skills worksheet may include columns detailing:

While this structure may seem helpful, it centers neurotypical expectations rather than encouraging mutual understanding. It implies that autistic individuals should be responsible for ensuring others feel comfortable, reinforcing the idea that their natural way of being is inherently incorrect.

Masking: The hidden consequence of social skills training

Many autistic individuals report that social skills training pressures them to ‘perform’ neurotypical social behaviors, such as making eye contact, mimicking typical body language, or suppressing natural stimming behaviors. While these adaptations may lead to short-term social acceptance, they often come at a cost. Masking can be exhausting and detrimental to mental health, with studies indicating a strong link between masking and higher rates of suicidal ideation in autistic adults (Mandy, 2019).

Instead of teaching autistic children to change who they are to fit in, a more effective approach is to teach them self-advocacy skills, help them recognize their own sensory and emotional needs, and support them in finding communication methods that feel comfortable and natural.

What’s missing from traditional social skills programs?

Many social skills programs focus on outward behaviors rather than addressing the deeper skills that contribute to meaningful social interactions. Key areas that are often overlooked include:

• Interoception and emotional awareness: Understanding and identifying internal feelings to navigate social situations.
• Sensory recognition: Recognizing sensory discomfort and identifying appropriate supports.
• Self-advocacy: Learning to communicate needs and boundaries effectively.
• Consent and mutual respect: Encouraging reciprocal communication rather than one-sided conformity.
• Authentic connection over performance: Encouraging meaningful relationships based on shared interests rather than forced interactions.

A more neurodiversity-affirming approach to social development

Instead of focusing on making autistic individuals appear more neurotypical, a better approach is to foster genuine, fulfilling social interactions in ways that honor an autistic person’s natural communication styles and preferences regarding relationships. Parents and caregivers can support their autistic child’s social development by:

• Creating inclusive social opportunities: Encourage environments where autistic children can engage with peers who share similar interests, rather than pushing traditional ‘play dates’ that may feel forced.
• Encouraging self-advocacy: Teach children how to express their needs and boundaries, whether through verbal language, AAC (augmentative and alternative communication), or other communication methods.
• Recognizing and valuing autistic communication and ways of interacting: Understanding that echolalia, scripting, or parallel play are valid and meaningful forms of social engagement. Recognizing and accepting that autistic people may want and need connections with others in ways that differ from what is thought to be “typical” and that is okay.
• Fostering acceptance in the community: Educating non-autistic peers about neurodiversity and encouraging mutual understanding rather than one-sided adaptation.

A note to parents: social development, not social ‘fixing’

It’s completely understandable for parents to worry about their child’s social experiences, especially in a world that often prioritizes neurotypical interaction styles. Many parents experience feelings of concern or even embarrassment when their child interacts in ways that don’t align with societal expectations. It’s natural to want to help your child feel included and accepted. However, the goal should not be to change who they are, but rather to support them in developing fulfilling relationships on their own terms.

Instead of trying to ‘fix’ social behavior, parents can:

• Advocate for inclusive spaces: Work with schools, community groups, and extracurricular activities to ensure neurodivergent children are welcomed and valued.
• Teach self-advocacy: Help your child learn to express their needs and boundaries in ways that feel natural to them.
• Educate others about neurodiversity: Help friends, family members, and educators understand that autistic communication styles are valid and should be respected.
• Recognize that social development looks different for every child: Some autistic children may prefer solitary activities, while others may seek friendships but struggle with conventional social norms.
• Encourage authentic connections: Support your child in finding like-minded peers who share their interests, rather than forcing traditional social interactions that may feel unnatural or stressful.

Rather than teaching autistic individuals to mask, we should be teaching the broader community to accept and embrace diverse ways of communicating and connecting. By shifting the focus from compliance-based training to authentic social development, we can create a world where autistic individuals thrive just as they are.

References

• Cage, E., Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the Relationship Between Autism Acceptance, Self-Esteem, and Mental Health. Autism in Adulthood, 1(2), 86-95.
• Mandy, W. (2019). Social Camouflaging in Autism: Understanding the Costs of Masking. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(4), 1356-1367.