As parents and professionals, we often focus on strategies: What will motivate my child? Should I use consequences? What schedule will finally work?

But sometimes, before we can teach a skill or change a routine, we have to go deeper—to the nervous system level. That’s where polyvagal theory comes in.

Understanding how the body responds to stress, safety, and connection can shift the way we support children—especially those with strong emotional responses, sensory sensitivities, or difficulties with transitions.

What is polyvagal theory?

Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, polyvagal theory describes how our nervous system constantly scans for safety or danger—usually outside our conscious awareness. This process, called neuroception, influences how we behave, feel, and respond to the world.

There are three main nervous system states:

  • Safe & Social (Ventral Vagal): This is where we feel calm, connected, and open to learning. Our bodies are regulated, and we’re available for interaction and problem-solving.
  • Fight or Flight (Sympathetic): When we sense threat, our bodies get ready to act—this might look like running away, yelling, or intense movement.
  • Shutdown/Freeze (Dorsal Vagal): If something feels too overwhelming or inescapable, the body may protect itself by withdrawing, numbing out, or shutting down.

None of these states are “bad.” They’re all adaptive responses to how safe or unsafe the body feels. For children—who may experience sensory input, social demands, and uncertainty more intensely—these shifts can happen often and quickly.

Why it matters for parents

When a child is dysregulated, many parents worry: Why won’t they listen? Why are they melting down again? Why can’t they just…?

Polyvagal theory offers a powerful reframe: Your child isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. What looks like noncompliance or defiance might actually be a nervous system that feels unsafe.

Understanding this helps us shift away from control-based approaches and toward connection, co-regulation, and compassion.

Instead of thinking, How do I get them to stop this behavior? we can ask, How can I help their body feel safe enough to re-engage?

How to support your child’s nervous system

Here are a few ways to use polyvagal-informed strategies in your daily life:

1. Look for nervous system clues

Try to notice your child’s state before reacting to their behavior. Are they showing signs of stress—tight fists, fast breathing, pacing, shutting down? Are they calm and able to engage? This helps you respond, not just react.

2. Create a safe and predictable environment

Routines, visual supports, sensory accommodations, and soft transitions help a child’s nervous system stay in that “safe and social” state. What feels predictable and calming for one child might be different for another—individualization matters.

3. Prioritize co-regulation over correction

Before jumping into problem-solving or instruction, meet your child where they are. Offer a calm voice, grounding presence, or sensory tool. When their body feels safer, their brain becomes more available for the conversation.

4. Support your own nervous system, too

Your child’s regulation depends on yours. When parents are burned out, anxious, or dysregulated themselves, kids pick up on it. Offering co-regulation starts with giving yourself grace and creating your own moments of calm and support.

A shift in lens, not just tools

Polyvagal theory doesn’t ask us to fix or control children. It asks us to see them more fully—to understand that what they need isn’t always a new behavior plan, but a sense of safety in their bodies and environments.

And for neurodivergent children, especially, this perspective honors who they are. It recognizes that kids do well if they can—and that safety and connection are the foundation for learning, growth, and trust.

Helping your child feel safe: A nervous system-informed approach at a glance

Here’s a quick a guide for understanding your child’s nervous system:

💚 Safe & Social (Ventral Vagal)

  • Calm, engaged, ready to learn, play, and interact
  • Communication or playfulness in their own way
  • Nervous system feels safe or regulated

💡 Try: routines, sensory tools, and moments of felt connection—like sitting nearby, using a gentle voice, offering a favorite activity, or simply being present without pressure

💛 Fight or Flight (Sympathetic)

  • Agitated, anxious, yelling, overly silly or active
  • “Big feelings” or fast movement
  • Nervous system senses danger

💡 Try: deep pressure, predictable plans, reduce demands

❤️ Shutdown/Freeze (Dorsal Vagal)

  • Silent, withdrawn, won’t respond
  • May look like zoning out or refusing
  • Nervous system feels overwhelmed

💡 Try: quiet presence, soft voice, low lights, just sit with them

Quick tips for parents

  • Tune in to their state, not just their behavior
  • Co-regulate before correcting
  • Care for your own nervous system, too
  • Support safety through structure, not control

Remember: Kids aren’t misbehaving—they’re telling us what their nervous system needs.