Imagine your child is in the classroom. The lights are buzzing, the chairs are hard, and instructions are given quickly—sometimes too quickly to process. Maybe your child doesn’t say anything. They sit still, try to focus, try not to stand out. And from the outside, it might look like everything is fine.
But it’s not.
For many autistic children, the world isn’t set up with their needs in mind. Bright lights, unpredictable social interactions, or abstract instructions can make seemingly “small” things feel overwhelming. In these moments, knowing how to ask for help—and having adults who know how to listen—isn’t just helpful. It’s essential.
This is what self-advocacy is all about. And it’s a skill that can be taught, practiced, and celebrated. Much of the framework described in this blog draws on the work of Dr. Liz Angoff, a psychologist who specializes in helping kids understand how their brains work so they can advocate for what they need.
What is self-advocacy?
Self-advocacy is the ability to understand your own needs, communicate those needs to others, and use the supports available to help meet them. For autistic children, this might include asking for a quiet space, using headphones to reduce sensory input, requesting a break, or explaining that written directions are easier to follow than verbal ones.
It’s not about fixing the child. It’s about changing the environment to meet the child where they are.
According to the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, self-advocacy empowers autistic people to “speak up for themselves, make their own decisions, and lead their own lives.” That empowerment starts early—when children learn that their needs are real, that they are allowed to have preferences, and that asking for support is a strength, not a weakness.
Dr. Liz Angoff’s approach to explaining brains
Much of the structure in this article is inspired by the work of Dr. Liz Angoff, a psychologist who developed a neuroaffirming approach to assessment feedback and self-understanding. Her “Explaining Brains” model helps children build self-awareness by shifting the conversation from what’s wrong to what works.
Rather than focusing on diagnoses or deficits, Dr. Angoff emphasizes discovering:
- What environments help the child thrive
- What tools and strategies support regulation and learning
- How to communicate these preferences with others
Her work highlights the idea that when kids understand how their brain works, they are more likely to feel confident in asking for what they need—because they know those needs are real, valid, and part of who they are.
Why self-advocacy can be hard—for kids and parents
Let’s be honest: helping your child speak up about what they need can feel uncomfortable, especially if what they need looks different from what others expect.
Maybe your child doesn’t want to sit at the group table or finds school assemblies unbearable. Maybe they want to stand during class or avoid eye contact during conversations. You might worry: What will the teacher think? What will other parents think? Is my child going to be seen as different—or difficult?
These feelings are valid. Supporting a neurodivergent child often means confronting a world that isn’t always understanding or inclusive. But when children are taught to hide their needs, they begin to internalize the idea that their needs don’t matter—or worse, that there’s something wrong with them for having them.
Instead, we can help kids name what works for them, communicate it in a way that feels safe, and use those insights to create better environments.
The three parts of self-advocacy
In clinical practice, I’ve found that self-advocacy involves three key steps:
- Understanding what I need
- Sharing my needs with others
- Using the resources that help me
Let’s walk through what this can look like in real life.
Step 1: Understanding what I need
Many children—especially those with significant support needs—don’t want to talk about what’s hard. And that’s okay. Instead of starting with deficits or challenges, I encourage families to notice what’s working.
Ask:
- “When do you feel most calm during the day?”
- “What helps you focus?”
- “What do you like about that class or activity?”
You might discover that your child works best while moving, feels calm when wearing headphones, or loves being given visual instructions.
Once you’ve gathered this information, help your child build a simple “What Works Wish List.” This list is a powerful tool: it names what helps, in the child’s own words, and sets the stage for self-advocacy.
Step 2: Sharing my needs with others
Knowing what helps is one thing. Saying it out loud is another.
Many children feel anxious about sharing their needs because:
- They worry adults won’t understand or believe them.
- They don’t know what to say or when to say it.
- They don’t want to stand out or feel different.
To support your child, you can:
- Practice scripts together like: “I do better with headphones. Can I use them now?”
- Role-play what to say to a teacher or coach.
- Write an email or letter together to share with a trusted adult.
- Choose one supportive adult to start with (e.g., “Let’s just tell Ms. Lewis first.”)
A parent can bring the child’s Wish List to a school meeting. If the child can attend then he/she doesn’t have to speak up right away. He/ she can watch adults hear her words and respond with respect. That experience could build confidence for the next time.
Step 3: Using my resources
Even when supports are available, children may not always use them. They may forget, feel embarrassed, or freeze in the moment. That’s why adults need to scaffold the process.
Some strategies that work:
- Visual or physical reminders: A teacher might tap the child’s desk to remind them it’s okay to grab their wobble stool.
- Scripts to use in the moment: “I feel squirmy today. Can I stand up to work?”
- Trying new supports as ‘experiments’: “Let’s try an audiobook this week and see how it feels. We can always change it.”
When self-advocacy is framed as an ongoing skill—not a one-time decision—it becomes less overwhelming and more empowering.
Why self-advocacy isn’t a behavior to fix
Parents sometimes worry that teaching self-advocacy might make their child “too demanding” or that it draws attention to differences they’d rather smooth over. These fears are real and deserve compassion.
But here’s the truth: kids are already adapting every day. They’re working hard to fit into systems that weren’t built with them in mind. Self-advocacy doesn’t make things harder. It makes them fairer.
And for children who require substantial or profound support, self-advocacy may not involve spoken words. It may look like using an AAC device, pointing to a picture, or collaborating with a trusted adult to share their needs. These are all valid forms of self-expression—and worth just as much as verbal requests.
Tips for parents: How to support your child’s self-advocacy
- Model it yourself: Let your child hear you say, “I need to take a break,” or “I work better when it’s quiet.”
- Validate their needs: When your child asks for something that helps, say, “I’m glad you told me what works for you.”
- Celebrate progress: Whether they used a script, asked a teacher for help, or just wrote their Wish List—it’s worth celebrating.
- Don’t rush: Some children need time to build comfort. That’s okay. Give them safe opportunities to try self-advocating without pressure.
Advocacy is a lifelong skill
Self-advocacy isn’t just about the classroom. It’s about helping your child know—deeply and confidently—that their needs matter. That they deserve to feel comfortable, safe, and understood. And that speaking up is not a flaw—it’s a form of wisdom.
Whether your child uses words, gestures, technology, or your voice to advocate for themselves, every step they take toward understanding and expressing their needs builds lifelong confidence.
It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
