Expectations about your autistic child’s behavior and self expression are everywhere in our neurotypical world, all the time. Sometimes they are soft and flexible, but many other times they are rigid and unbendable. Some expectations keep us safe — like the expectation that we don’t run into moving traffic. Other expectations are unspoken and may vary based on your situation and the people surrounding you. For example, grandma wants the kids to stay at the dinner table from beginning to end, whereas mom thinks that expectation is a recipe for disaster.  

The challenges of expectations and autism

Some expectations can be hard to interpret. For example, we tell children to use an indoor voice when we’d like them to speak softly. My autistic son has a speaking voice that doesn’t go below a six or seven out of ten when he is excited and happy. He’s not shouting, but he is not in a range that is comfortable for everybody. But for us, that’s his indoor voice. 

Let’s paint a picture of how this scenario used to play out. My son would be excited at a family gathering and express himself at his usual volume of seven. Grandma and Auntie would become exasperated and say “Shhhhh” really loudly while using their arms like conductors to demonstrate that he needs to quiet down. I would go over to my son and whisper in his ear, “Lower your volume.” And he would, for about twenty seconds, until he got excited again and went straight back to his usual volume of seven. Now Grandma and Auntie look at me with frustrated faces that communicate their disappointment in my son’s behavior and how I’m handling the situation. Then I’d feel a wave of shame and defeat wash over me. Now repeat some version of that dynamic every five minutes for the rest of the day. Not fun. 

Ditching a shame-based mindset

So what changed, how did I make things better? To start, I changed the only thing that I actually have control over; my own expectations for myself and my child. Without realizing it, I had let my family and my community set all the rules. I then accepted those rules without question. If neurotypical kids talk at a four, then shouldn’t my child talk at a four? So I challenged myself to ask, “If I insist on a level four volume all the time, am I just setting him up to fail? Am I setting myself up to fail?”

The answer was a resounding YES. I realized that after years of shame I needed to cultivate a new mindset. I needed to realize that I had the ability to set my own more realistic expectations; and I had the right to ask my family and community to meet us there. So I came up with this three question cheat sheet to help me stay grounded in my new mindset.

  1. What expectations are negotiable?
  2. What is my child capable of doing?
  3. What brings my child happiness?


Answering these questions requires honesty and bravery, because sometimes those answers don’t fit the expectations around us. This helped me realize two things: my child expressed joy through an increase in volume, and he was simply not capable of maintaining a sustained volume of four without being constantly shushed and reprimanded. 

How did I know this? First, I asked him about his experience. I genuinely wanted to know more about how he felt in those moments. I looked at the many years of evidence that made family gatherings a nightmare. I challenged myself to rewrite expectations so they felt achievable and realistically aspirational. For my son, that meant giving him the grace to be a sustained six, an excited seven, but only get a reminder if he became an eight or greater.  I asked my son about his experiences at family gatherings, and we talked about what it felt like to get shushed all day long and always be in trouble. It didn’t feel good. He told me that it felt unfair that he had to do hard things all day long while the other kids were able to play without getting nagged. 

Adjusting expectations in a neurotypical world

Predictably enough, this shift came with a world of new things to consider. How could I get family members (mostly) on board? What if I couldn’t? What if my new expectations were so different from the norm that I was setting my child up for failure in the long run? But I soon realized that ‘What if’ questions could never be fully answered and they never ended, so I replaced ‘What if’ with ‘What is.’ What is my child capable of doing? How can I communicate these new expectations with my family? What is in the best interest of my son, what expectations can I let go?

Breakthrough prompts that changed how I walk through the world

    • I told my family that my son was autistic and needed accommodations, and for gatherings he needed the grace to talk louder then other kids

    • I reminded myself that my son and I have a right to exist as we are and that we spend enough time trying to make other people comfortable

    • I acknowledged that it might be uncomfortable for people and that I had empathy for their feelings.

    • I talked to moms who had autistic children so I could commiserate with people who understood my struggle and could be counted on to listen.

    • In group gatherings I set the expectation that I might have to leave early or arrive late because transitions were hard for my son. 

    • I realized that I couldn’t expect all people to rise to the occasion, and if we were around somebody who couldn’t get over even the lowest bar, then it was okay for us to leave.